Back • Home • Up

With thanks to    The Onion
VOLUME 39, ISSUE 2 SOUTH AFRICA 22 AUGUST 1998

LOCAL

 
Sceptic Pitied
DURBAN, South Africa—Mario Di Maggio, 28, a Durban museum educator, has earned the pity of friends and acquaintances for his tragic reluctance to embrace the unverifiable, sources reported Monday.
   
"I honestly feel sorry for the guy," said neighbour Rudy Wrath, 54, a zealous Jehovah's Witness. "To live in this world not believing in a higher power, doubting that Christ died for our sins - that's such a sad, cynical way to live. I don't know how he gets through his day."

Ex co-worker Michael Mannesley, who spends roughly 20 percent of his annual income on Watchtower literature and missionary work costs, similarly extended his compassion for Di Maggio.

"Mario is a really great guy," Mannesley said. "It's just too bad he's chosen to cut himself off from the world of the paranormal, restricting himself to the limited universe of what can be seen and heard and verified through empirical evidence."
 


Above: The tragically sceptical Di Maggio
Also feeling pity for Di Maggio is his former girlfriend Shellie ('I've-lost-all-sense-of-humour') Pullford, a holistic and homeopathic healer who earns a living selling tonics and medicines diluted to one molecule per gallon in the belief that the water "remembers" the curative properties of the medication.

"Don't get me wrong—logic and reason have their place," Pullford said. "But Mario fails to recognize the danger of going too far with medical common sense to the exclusion of alternative New Age remedies like chakra cleansing and energy-field realignment."

Ex co-worker Mannesley said he had tried repeatedly to pull Di Maggio back from the precipice of lucidity.

"I admit, science might be great for curing diseases, exploring Space, cataloguing the natural phenomena of our world, saving endangered species, extending the human lifespan, and enriching the quality of that life," Annesley said. "But at the end of the day, science has nothing to tell us about what God's greater purpose is, and that's a critical thing Mario is missing. I would hate for his life to be lost forever because of a stubborn doubt over the actual existence of God."

Bettina Braun, a lifelong astrology devotee, blamed Di Maggio's lack of faith on an accident of birth.

"Mario can't entirely help himself, being a Gemini," Braun said. "Geminis are always very sceptical and destined to feel pain throughout life as a result of their closed-mindedness. If you try to introduce Mario to anything even remotely made-up, he starts going off about 'evidence this' and 'proof that.' If only the poor man were open-minded enough to stop attacking everything with his brain and just once look into his heart, he'd find all the proof he needed. But, sadly, he's unable to let even a little bit of imagination drive his core beliefs."

Perhaps the person who pities Di Maggio most is his brother Nike, a practicing full-time Jehovah's Witness minister since 1986.

"It's bad enough for someone to have the nerve to reject religion in spite of its tremendous popularity," Nike said. "But Mario used to be a Jehovah's Witness and deeply understands our teachings." With deep-felt sincerity Nike continues, "Despite Mario's actions, the Watchtower Society will continue trying to free people from the crippling yoke of common sense, even attempting to unshackle other sceptics like Mario from the chains of century after century of verifiable scientific precedent."

"I realize that Mario seems very happy with his narrow little common-sense-based worldview," Nike continued, "but when you think of all the overwhelmingly pleasant beliefs that are excluded by that way of thinking, you have to feel kind of sad."


 

 

Bite Me magazine, Issue 17, November 2004