Noah in 2006

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many Ethnically diverse and Disabled employees I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only UCATT accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government has beaten me to it."

Sitting Doing Nothing

An eagle was sitting on a tree - resting...doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing"?
The eagle answered, "Sure, why not"?
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Improving Performance through Better Management

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri river. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team", made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the Americans had ONE person rowing and EIGHT people steering. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They, too, advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to four steering supervisors, three area steering superintendents and one rather highly paid assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
 

A Horse of a Different Colour

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians (or any other group of normal people for that matter), passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration (and because half of most people's brains seem to go to sleep the moment they are made managers), often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses,
including, but not limited to, the following:
 

1. Buying a stronger whip
2. Changing riders
3. Threatening the horse with termination
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse
8. Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead"
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position

We have all been to those meetings (had conversations) where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

Well, if...

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then...

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close; attitude will get you there; but bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing or sucking up will take you:

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

S U C K I N G U P
19 21 3 10 9 14 7 21 16 = 120%

So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you!